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Archive for December, 2007

Giuliani Outside His Lair

In a stunning revelation at a press conference today, republican presidential contender Rudy Giuliani announced to the world that he possesses a vast array of mental powers, including psychic abilities, telekinesis and lightning bolts. This stunning revelation was prompted by recent reports that the taxpayer funded chauffeur services and protection she received predated the undisclosed “threats” which Giuliani claimed were the reason for her being afforded such special treatment.

The story broke early on December 7th, and a spokesman for the Giuliani campaign told reporters that a statement would be issued at 10:30 that morning. The press conference was located at the mouth of a large cave deep within central park. At 10:30 exactly a bolt of lightning struck the podium, the shock of which shorted out several reporters recording devices, and when the smoke finally cleared, Rudy Giuliani was standing at the podium.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, welcome to my central sanctum. As many of you now know, it has been revealed that I instructed the NYPD through then Police Commissioner, Bernie Kerik, to provide transportation and security Ms. Nathan well in advance of any actual threats being made on her life. I must confess the truth, I did lie to the press, but only to preserve secrets which I can keep no longer. Secrets such as the fact that I can see into the future at least enough to foretell… well, not everything, but at the very least vague threats. Whether or not they’re true… not so much, which explains the security detail. Second! Well, you saw the entrance, I guess that actually makes it first, but the point is I can shoot lightning–outdoors… if it’s cloudy… and close to my cave.

Giuliani went on for another forty minutes, describing how amazing each of of many powers are, though some in the crowd were not so impressed. Once Giuliani finished his opening remarks, reporters were invited to ask questions. This session lasted only a moment, though as the first question pertained to why Giuliani’s powers didn’t help in preventing the tragedy of 9–AAAAAHAHGGH!!!

Giuliani Killing Me

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