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Archive for the ‘comedy’ Category

Hippie Claus

Here’s how I spent my Christmas Eve with the inlaws.

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Giuliani Outside His Lair

In a stunning revelation at a press conference today, republican presidential contender Rudy Giuliani announced to the world that he possesses a vast array of mental powers, including psychic abilities, telekinesis and lightning bolts. This stunning revelation was prompted by recent reports that the taxpayer funded chauffeur services and protection she received predated the undisclosed “threats” which Giuliani claimed were the reason for her being afforded such special treatment.

The story broke early on December 7th, and a spokesman for the Giuliani campaign told reporters that a statement would be issued at 10:30 that morning. The press conference was located at the mouth of a large cave deep within central park. At 10:30 exactly a bolt of lightning struck the podium, the shock of which shorted out several reporters recording devices, and when the smoke finally cleared, Rudy Giuliani was standing at the podium.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, welcome to my central sanctum. As many of you now know, it has been revealed that I instructed the NYPD through then Police Commissioner, Bernie Kerik, to provide transportation and security Ms. Nathan well in advance of any actual threats being made on her life. I must confess the truth, I did lie to the press, but only to preserve secrets which I can keep no longer. Secrets such as the fact that I can see into the future at least enough to foretell… well, not everything, but at the very least vague threats. Whether or not they’re true… not so much, which explains the security detail. Second! Well, you saw the entrance, I guess that actually makes it first, but the point is I can shoot lightning–outdoors… if it’s cloudy… and close to my cave.

Giuliani went on for another forty minutes, describing how amazing each of of many powers are, though some in the crowd were not so impressed. Once Giuliani finished his opening remarks, reporters were invited to ask questions. This session lasted only a moment, though as the first question pertained to why Giuliani’s powers didn’t help in preventing the tragedy of 9–AAAAAHAHGGH!!!

Giuliani Killing Me

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Some of the writers of the Show formerly known as Daily got together and produced this video from the front lines of the writer’s strike with a well made point:

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I’m open to suggestions as to which method of suicide I should use.

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If you hate Tim and Eric, and if you REALLY hate Saul of the Molemen, get ready knuckle draggers… you’re gonna want to commit genocide over this shit:

FAT GUY STUCK IN THE INTERNET

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This is too good not to share, and I’ll entice you with the closing line:

Is America really ready for a black president? Well, why not? We just had a retarded one.

And yes I know it is a slur to use the word retarded, and an even bigger insult to the mentally and developmentally disabled by comparing them to the inexorable fuck up that IS George W. Bush.

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I just had to save this for posterity before it disappears from craigslist.

Hi,

I’m looking to impress a girl that I’m trying to get back together with. She has issues trusting the fact that I would stick up for her given a previous incident we went through.

I am looking for an actor to pose as a guy really bothering her verbally where I step in between them as the “hero” and proceed to confront the actor and give him a punch or two.

I figured this is the best way she can see that I will stick up for her. I am willing to negotiate pay for this as it will probably be a 15 minute job, but I will go the extra mile in pay if you do a great job. Please reply by email and we can work out all the details including when/where, etc.

Thank you.

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